2007-11-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

HAHAHA. I'm such a fucking idiot, lol. Everything's so much better, hahaha. Man, am I fucking stupid, hope she never reads this. I finally told her I love her on vent without being scared of her not saying anything AND GUESS WHAT, she said it back and even said it again before leaving. <3

2007-11-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

So, I was writing this the other day when just listening to this fucked up song which for some reason; made me think .. a LOT. I just lay on my table, eyes closed and wrote this. Fixed it up to look the way it was afterwards, haha. I haven't written a fucking poem in about two years, the last time I wrote shit was when I was an idiot; full of bullshit emotions, hahaha.

I don't think it's the same now, completely different person; well, I'd like to think. It's just funny that I can write so much more freely and what I hope to think, is much better things. I guess she means more to me than I even thought.

A singular being brought with another
to hear the words one lives for
to see the dreams of another
crushed with three words
to see the dreams
of another man
be brought
to the
light

I spent a week, a fucking WEEK thinking about how I just don't understand. Why is it that I'm filled with all this shit that a guy is not supposed to feel? I'm not being sexist here, but fuck, I know I'm not supposed to do this. This is what the girl usually does, haha, I feel like I'm being played.

I've never asked anything of her, nothing really, I just wish she would say three words: I love you, well, four: I love you too. That's all I really need, you know? For her to say that to me when I say I love you, or for her to say I love you first. Whenever we're talking and she says I love you before she leaves, man, it just makes my day. It makes me feel so fucking happy (tho I don't know what happiness is and that's a different story) this is what it should be. When I laugh with the buzz of love.

If she told me 'I need you' or just 'I just want to talk to you .. about anything'. I just want to be .. wanted, you know? To be fucking loved, haha.

I'm just confused as to if she loves me or not. I'm scared to say, Love you, bye! When we're in a crowd because man, I'm scared to death she'll just say 'bye' and leave without saying she loves to me. I dunno, it's just a fear, fuck, I have a fear?

I dunno what to do anymore, to be honest. I really love her, I love her more then anything, I'm young but I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what I feel, more then others, I'm not naiive nor do I really 'not' know what things are. I can positively say this is love. Posafuckingtively.

I need a job, I want a job; why? So I can buy her shit, not for me, not one part of me wants more then $200 for a couple months to buy some clothes, everything else I'd spend on her. She's all I need.

I don't want to break up with her, I'd hate to do that, even if I thought I could, I'd be the one who got fucked in the end. I don't think I could take a breakup, hahaha. The problem is, It's not the same as a month ago, two months ago. Tho, I guess it shouldn't be, but I'd think it'd get better.

Fucking shit, this is why I'm atheist. God just fucks you over if he exists, he's an asshole. Fuck. You. God.

Man, I love her. I fucking love Taisha so much. Huge risk is saying her name, but I guess a tiny part of me wants her to find this and not tell me. I dunno, damn.

I'm writing a fucking block. A BLOG, LOL. Man, I'm pathetic.

I hope she reads this ...